How Does Sleep Training Affect Infant Attachment?

How Babies Develop Trust and Security

In early infancy, a baby’s nervous system is still developing, and their ability to self-soothe depends largely on co-regulation with a caregiver.

When a baby wakes up crying, they are signaling a need - whether for comfort, security, or reassurance. 

Over time, consistent responsiveness from a caregiver helps them internalize the belief: "When I need help, someone will be there for me." This belief forms the foundation of secure attachment, shaping emotional resilience, self-worth, and trust in relationships.

Some sleep training methods, particularly those involving prolonged crying without comfort, may unintentionally create a different internal message: "When I call for help, no one comes."

Babies may eventually stop crying not because their need has disappeared, but because they have learned that their distress will not be responded to. 

While some children navigate this without visible long-term effects, others may develop patterns of emotional suppression, hyper-independence, or deep-seated anxiety in relationships.

Why Sleep Training Can Lead to Family Conflict

For many couples, the decision to sleep train (or not) becomes a major source of tension. One parent may feel strongly that structured sleep training is necessary for the household’s well-being, while the other may worry about emotional harm.

These differing perspectives can create frustration, miscommunication, and even resentment.

Some common points of conflict include:

Having open and honest conversations about sleep training, while validating each other’s concerns, can help couples navigate this challenging topic without damaging their emotional bond.

What Does Research Say About Sleep Training?

Studies on infant attachment and responsiveness show that babies thrive when they experience consistent, nurturing interactions with their caregivers.

Research by attachment theorists like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth highlights that early patterns of responsiveness shape emotional security well into adulthood.

Additionally, studies on infant stress responses show that prolonged crying without comfort can lead to elevated cortisol levels, which may affect brain development and stress regulation later in life.

While sleep training does not automatically lead to attachment issues, the way it is implemented and how a child experiences it can make a significant difference.

Key Research Studies:

• Bakermans-Kranenburg, van IJzendoorn, & Juffer (2003): Meta-analysis of interventions enhancing maternal sensitivity and their impact on attachment security. Read more
• Hofer (2006): Examines the psychobiological effects of early separation on emotional regulation and attachment behaviors. Read more
  
• More at the end of this article.

How Moms May Feel During Sleep Training

For many mothers, the decision to sleep train is emotionally complex. Even when they believe it is the right choice, they may experience a rollercoaster of feelings, including:

Recognizing these emotions and seeking support - whether through research, trusted professionals, or open communication with a partner—can help moms process their feelings and make informed decisions that align with their parenting values.

Sleep Training and Future Trust Issues

As these babies grow, their early experiences influence how they engage in relationships, both as children and later as adults. Here are some ways that early sleep experiences can shape future trust and emotional security:

1. Fear of Abandonment

If a child learns that their emotional needs are not consistently met, they may grow up fearing rejection or being left behind in relationships. As adults, this can lead to anxiety in romantic partnerships - constantly seeking reassurance, struggling with trust, or feeling deeply unsettled when a partner takes space.

2. Emotional Disconnection & Avoidance

Some children adapt by suppressing their needs, learning that expressing emotions is "pointless" or "too much." Later in life, they may struggle to open up, have difficulty asking for help, or feel emotionally distant in relationships - even when they crave closeness.

3. Difficulty Trusting Others

If early experiences teach a child that comfort is unreliable, they may carry a subconscious belief that others, even loved ones, cannot fully be counted on. This can lead to hyper-independence or difficulty in deeply trusting a partner, making emotional intimacy more challenging.

4. Chronic Guilt or Shame Around Needs

Some individuals who have learned not to express distress as babies grow into adults who feel guilty for having emotional needs. They may struggle to advocate for themselves in relationships, fearing they are being "too needy" or that expressing their feelings will push people away.

Balancing Gentle Sleep Methods with Secure Bonding

An Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Perspective on Sleep Training

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, sleep training is not just about establishing routines - it is also about fostering secure attachment bonds between parents and children. EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional responsiveness, which aligns closely with how infants develop trust in their caregivers.

When a baby cries at night, their distress is not simply about sleep; it is an attachment signal - a call for comfort and reassurance. How parents respond to these signals can shape the child’s long-term emotional security. According to EFT, consistently responding to a baby’s needs strengthens their internal sense of safety, allowing them to develop confidence in their relationships as they grow.

For parents who feel torn between sleep training and emotional connection, EFT offers a balanced approach:

By applying EFT principles, parents can support their child’s emotional development while also meeting their own need for rest.

One mother shared how she used gentle check-ins rather than complete extinction. She reassured her baby with a soothing voice instead of prolonged separation, which helped maintain trust while also encouraging better sleep. By holding her baby’s hand and whispering words of comfort, she noticed that her child still felt secure while learning to sleep independently.

This approach fosters a strong parent-child bond, ensuring that nighttime experiences build trust rather than distress.

A Christian Perspective on Sleep Training

For Christian parents, the decision to sleep train often goes beyond scientific research—it is also a matter of faith and aligning with biblical principles of love, trust, and caregiving. The Bible teaches us about the importance of nurturing relationships and responding to those in need:

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (Isaiah 66:13)

This verse reminds us of the deep, God-given connection between parents and children. When a baby cries at night, they are reaching out for comfort in the same way we turn to God in times of distress. Just as God does not ignore us when we seek Him, responsive parenting reflects His love and care.

Additionally, Proverbs 22:6 encourages us to:

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it."

This verse highlights the responsibility of parents to guide their children with wisdom and care. Some Christian families believe that responding consistently to a baby’s needs, even during the night, lays the foundation for a child’s trust in their caregivers—and ultimately, their trust in God.

While each family must make decisions based on their circumstances, it can be helpful to pray for wisdom and seek God’s guidance when considering sleep training.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider incorporating a short prayer before bedtime, asking for strength and patience in this season of parenting. Praying with or over your child can be a reminder that God watches over both of you, even in moments of exhaustion.

For those who struggle with exhaustion, leaning on faith, support from the church community, and prioritizing self-care can be important in navigating this season of parenting.

Want to Learn More?

• Book a free consultation to discuss your child’s sleep and attachment needs and explore alternative sleep approaches that align with your family’s values.

Final Thoughts

Parenting is full of difficult choices, and every family’s journey is different. By staying informed and tuning into your child’s needs, you can foster both healthy sleep and deep emotional security. If you need guidance, I’m here to help.

Warmly,
Astrid Machalitza
Registered Psychotherapist

Certified EFT-Therapist
contact(at)livelyfuture.net

Is sleep training harmful to my baby’s emotional well-being?

Sleep training does not automatically harm a baby’s emotional well-being. However, the method and level of parental responsiveness matter. Gentle sleep strategies help maintain emotional security while encouraging independent sleep.

How can I balance sleep training with secure attachment?

Ensuring that your baby experiences loving, consistent care during the day can balance sleep training at night. Methods like check-ins, responsive sleep shaping, and gradual withdrawal help maintain connection.

What are alternatives to cry-it-out methods?

Alternatives include co-sleeping with boundaries, no-tears sleep shaping, and gradual parent withdrawal - approaches that build trust while encouraging healthy sleep habits.

Can sleep training cause long-term emotional harm?

Sleep training itself does not necessarily cause harm, but how it is implemented matters. If a child experiences prolonged distress without comfort, it can contribute to emotional insecurity. Gentle sleep methods can help maintain attachment while fostering sleep independence.

What if I have already sleep-trained my baby? Can I repair attachment?

Yes! Attachment is built through consistent, loving interactions over time. If you are concerned about past sleep training methods, focus on strengthening emotional connection during the day through responsive caregiving, play, and affection.

Does co-sleeping create stronger attachment than sleep training?

Co-sleeping can foster strong attachment bonds when practiced safely, but attachment security depends more on how parents respond to their child's needs overall, rather than where the child sleeps. Some babies thrive with independent sleep, while others need more parental presence.

How can I help my baby feel safe at night without cry-it-out?

There are several gentle sleep strategies, such as:

• Gradual check-ins with verbal reassurance.
• Offering physical touch (e.g., patting their back).
• Using a consistent bedtime routine to create predictability.
• Responding to their cries with comfort before they escalate to distress.

References

1. Impact of Maternal Sensitivity on Attachment Security

A meta-analysis by Bakermans-Kranenburg, van IJzendoorn, and Juffer (2003) examined interventions aimed at enhancing maternal sensitivity and their effects on children's attachment security. The study concluded that interventions focusing on maternal sensitivity were effective in promoting secure attachment in children.

Reference:

Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., van IJzendoorn, M. H., & Juffer, F. (2003). Less is more: Meta-analyses of sensitivity and attachment interventions in early childhood. Psychological Bulletin, 129(2), 195–215. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.129.2.195

2. Early Separation and Long-Term Development

Research by Hofer (2006) explored the psychobiological effects of early separation between infants and caregivers. The study found that such separations could lead to long-term changes in offspring development, affecting emotional regulation and attachment behaviors into adulthood.

Reference:

Hofer, M. A. (2006). Psychobiological roots of early attachment. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 15(2), 84–88. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0963-7214.2006.00412.x

3. Critique of Attachment Therapy Practices

Mercer (2001) critically analyzed attachment therapy practices, highlighting the potential harm of certain unvalidated treatments. The article emphasizes the importance of evidence-based approaches in addressing attachment-related issues.

Reference:

Mercer, J. (2001). 'Attachment therapy' using deliberate restraint: An object lesson on the identification of unvalidated treatments. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 14(3), 115–125. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6171.2001.tb00303.x

4. Aware Parenting and Stress Reduction

Solter (2001) discussed the significance of physical contact and responsiveness in reducing stress and promoting secure attachment in infants. The article underscores the role of nurturing touch in healthy child development.

Reference:

Solter, A. (2001). Hold me! The importance of physical contact with infants. Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health, 15(3), 21–43. https://www.awareparenting.com/holdme.pdf

These resources offer valuable insights into how early caregiving practices, including sleep training, can influence attachment security and family dynamics. They also emphasize the importance of using evidence-based, sensitive approaches when addressing infant sleep and attachment concerns.